I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
