We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
