Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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