You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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