Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
