I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
be right there i have to get my cape
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize