Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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