Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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