Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize