Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
