You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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