i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
