She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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