Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
