He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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