No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
