I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
