tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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