Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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