It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
