i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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