Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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