I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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