i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
