Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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