i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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