i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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