his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
