Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would ride that face into the sunset
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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