its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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