My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
