I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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