he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize