There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
