Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
