Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
3pm strippers are depressing
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
