i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
