Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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