I faked an abortion last night.
i think my mom watched the whole time
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
