i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pants are for mortals
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
