U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
