there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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