i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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