the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We had to coat check the pizza.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
