you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
