If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
