i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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