I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
