Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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