Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
