Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
