Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
This show inspires me to have sex in space
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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