2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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