lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
