Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
