Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
