Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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