my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
