Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
