I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
